Revisiting the Past to understand my Present.

LONG POST ALERT!

A month ago, my counselor asked me when was the last time I can remember feeling like this?

What she meant was when was the last time I remembered days on end of never having a dry face? Living each day in despair and just hoping that someone would notice that something wasn’t right.

It wasn’t too long ago that everyday, whether driving to work or driving home on the weekends to see my family I could barely see the road because the tears were so big and vicious escaping from the corners of my eyes and rushing down my cheeks.

That was 2012. August 2012 to be exact. I don’t remember exactly what was going on before then but I do remember an overview.

2012 was the year my parents were already separated, the year I took a 6 month hiatus from school, and the year I met Mason’s Dad (that’s another post or two). I also took losing weight and getting healthy seriously.

I don’t know what caused the onset of the sudden darkness¬†that swiftly engulfed me back in 2012 leaving no part of me untouched. I didn’t come up for air until December of the same year. Never reaching out for help, thinking that I was just alone in the world and carrying that feeling with me until I landed here writing this post.

It is now 2017. Same symptoms, same feelings. What’s different? I’m not alone.

I’m a single, Christian, mom to an amazing little 2 year old.

That’s what brings me here documenting this journey to healing. God and Mason push me to not give in even if some days my head is barely above the water.

So come along as we wade through the water and prayerfully return to the land. The land of freedom and joy unheard of.

 

 

I may bend but I don’t break: The start of a journey of healing to whole.

Last Friday night was a mess.

A complete disaster.

9pm and what am I doing? I’m laying on the couch crying my eyes out. Feeling those familiar feelings overtake me again as I think to myself, “My gosh, I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired of feeling down. No, really, is there something wrong with me?”

Tears come very frequently these days. Since 2017 has begun, they’ve been my confidant. No one knows my struggles like my tears do. No matter how hard I have been trying, it’s very rare that a day goes by and I’m without a wet face. My spiritual counselor suggested I go talk to my primary doctor or a psychiatrist to get started on a low does of anti-depressants. ¬†I made the appointment and it’s set for later this month.

I’ve also researched a natural supplement called Gaba and will purchase that along with chamomile/mint tea. I’m supposed to be lifting my mood so that we can re-evaluate some priorities in my life and also get more energy.

UPDATE: I have purchased Lavendar, Bergamot, and Ylang Ylang essential oil and some 100% pure Chamomile tea.

An open letter to my son’s Dad.

Sad-Black-BoyDear Damond,

It’s been a month since we’ve seen you or really talked to you. You check in from time to time but it’s never been consistent and Mason doesn’t deserve that. His heart breaks for you and now it’s everyday he mentions you or asks me to take him to your house.

Some days all I can say is ,”Mhmm” when he mentions you because I’m seething with rage and anger. He doesn’t deserve this. You’re his world and I truly believe in my heart that he loves you more than me. Or atleast he loves you alot stronger. I never imagined that you wouldn’t make it work .

Not too long after we found out I was pregnant, I asked you one simple question. “Are you going to be here because I’m not doing this alone.” You with those eyes and that smile that I was always a sucker for. Two great features that was passed down to our son. You told me that you would be and from that day I was fine with having Mason.

But you’re not here. You haven’t been since February of 2016. You gave up. You stopped fighting and I guess Mason wasn’t enough of a reason for you to try harder. You abandoned him. You abandoned us. We had been over as a couple for awhile but to me that didn’t matter. You were supposed to put on your “big boy underwear” and do what needed to be done so that Mason would have both of his parents in his life within close enough distance that he could touch.

Now you’re over 100 miles away and some days it seems much farther. The days where I have to hear our son cry and whine to be with you. The same days I have to suck up my tears and console him because how he feels comes before my feelings.You don’t see how clingy Mason gets after you’re gone. It’s because he knows that when he sees you it’s temporary and he needs to know that someone else isn’t leaving him either. So he is upset but yet wants to sit in my lap. He’s grumpy and irritable because he misses his Dad as soon as you walk out the door.

You know the feeling of not having a Dad. Why would you want your son to feel the same way? Why wouldn’t you fight? Why don’t you try harder? Why don’t you make a change just for him? Why don’t you love him enough? Is he not enough for you? Does it hurt that you’re not here?

You have missed alot. Mason is extremely smart, handsome, and funny. It’s only been a year but that’s eternity in the life of a toddler. He’s almost potty-trained. He knows many shapes, colors, and numbers. He has favorite snacks and books that you don’t know.

You’re selfish and you chose to miss out on his greatness. It’s not too late to experience the rest of him first-hand but that’s a choice I can’t make for you. I hope you choose to be here and if you do, there will need to be consistence.

Over the last year, I’ve learned a few lessons. I’ve became more aware of my flaws that I probably wouldn’t have if you were still around. Because of you choosing to not be around, I’ve learned to trust and depend on God more and for that I’m forever grateful.

I sometimes still think of you as the worst mistake I ever made. You came in and tore my life to pieces. You left me to fend for not only myself but our son too. I have no choice but to keep going and be good at what I do because I have someone counting on me for his survival. But I no longer blame you. I look at my life in a different way; I framed it in a more positive manner.

Mason is still living, breathing, and being awesome. I’m stronger than I ever realized I was and we are making it. Our story is being written the way it is so that it can be a lesson and help to another girl and her seemingly hopeless situation.

You’ve moved on and seem to be in a great relationship. I’m not bitter because there are qualities that you have that aren’t acceptable to me anymore. The only thing I wish is that you’d be as “life-changing” as she makes you out to be to your son too because he truly deserves it.

Sincerely,

Me.