It’s been a month since we’ve seen you or really talked to you. You check in from time to time but it’s never been consistent and Mason doesn’t deserve that. His heart breaks for you and now it’s everyday he mentions you or asks me to take him to your house.
Some days all I can say is ,”Mhmm” when he mentions you because I’m seething with rage and anger. He doesn’t deserve this. You’re his world and I truly believe in my heart that he loves you more than me. Or atleast he loves you alot stronger. I never imagined that you wouldn’t make it work .
Not too long after we found out I was pregnant, I asked you one simple question. “Are you going to be here because I’m not doing this alone.” You with those eyes and that smile that I was always a sucker for. Two great features that was passed down to our son. You told me that you would be and from that day I was fine with having Mason.
But you’re not here. You haven’t been since February of 2016. You gave up. You stopped fighting and I guess Mason wasn’t enough of a reason for you to try harder. You abandoned him. You abandoned us. We had been over as a couple for awhile but to me that didn’t matter. You were supposed to put on your “big boy underwear” and do what needed to be done so that Mason would have both of his parents in his life within close enough distance that he could touch.
Now you’re over 100 miles away and some days it seems much farther. The days where I have to hear our son cry and whine to be with you. The same days I have to suck up my tears and console him because how he feels comes before my feelings.You don’t see how clingy Mason gets after you’re gone. It’s because he knows that when he sees you it’s temporary and he needs to know that someone else isn’t leaving him either. So he is upset but yet wants to sit in my lap. He’s grumpy and irritable because he misses his Dad as soon as you walk out the door.
You know the feeling of not having a Dad. Why would you want your son to feel the same way? Why wouldn’t you fight? Why don’t you try harder? Why don’t you make a change just for him? Why don’t you love him enough? Is he not enough for you? Does it hurt that you’re not here?
You have missed alot. Mason is extremely smart, handsome, and funny. It’s only been a year but that’s eternity in the life of a toddler. He’s almost potty-trained. He knows many shapes, colors, and numbers. He has favorite snacks and books that you don’t know.
You’re selfish and you chose to miss out on his greatness. It’s not too late to experience the rest of him first-hand but that’s a choice I can’t make for you. I hope you choose to be here and if you do, there will need to be consistence.
Over the last year, I’ve learned a few lessons. I’ve became more aware of my flaws that I probably wouldn’t have if you were still around. Because of you choosing to not be around, I’ve learned to trust and depend on God more and for that I’m forever grateful.
I sometimes still think of you as the worst mistake I ever made. You came in and tore my life to pieces. You left me to fend for not only myself but our son too. I have no choice but to keep going and be good at what I do because I have someone counting on me for his survival. But I no longer blame you. I look at my life in a different way; I framed it in a more positive manner.
Mason is still living, breathing, and being awesome. I’m stronger than I ever realized I was and we are making it. Our story is being written the way it is so that it can be a lesson and help to another girl and her seemingly hopeless situation.
You’ve moved on and seem to be in a great relationship. I’m not bitter because there are qualities that you have that aren’t acceptable to me anymore. The only thing I wish is that you’d be as “life-changing” as she makes you out to be to your son too because he truly deserves it.