You’re just lazy.
You love to procrastinate.
You never follow-through.
Some of those statements I’ve said to myself and some I’ve heard from “friends”. You know, those ones that are supposed to support you? They were commenting on what they saw but they didn’t know the innermost parts of me. Only Mason gets to see that and sometimes I feel sorry for him because it can be ugly. I don’t hold it against my friends that they didn’t know that they were adding salt to a very open wound. The wound that I call depression.
It turns me into this person that I’m sure that I’m not. Some days I question it but for the most part, I know that my depression isn’t really me.
I’m usually very determined and highly-motivated. I say “usually” because on the days where depression has me in a choke hold, I lose interest and motivation. Y’all don’t see those days because I isolate myself. The negative self-talk doesn’t leave much room for me to do anything else.
On those days, I am exhausted, weak, discouraged, mad, and sad (all at the same time). So when I skip the gym, don’t put up the groceries, or bother to clean the clothes up off of the floor, I’m not being lazy. I just don’t have that much more energy to exert for that day.
I do procrastinate. Depression often makes me put things off even the important ones like getting to work on time or making sure I’m meeting the deadlines THAT I SET for my freelance clients. It’s not on purpose. I don’t want to lose my job and I like getting my client’s work to them on time but depression makes me focus solely on how I’m feeling and I’m usually feeling awful.
Along with feeling awful, I feel like I’m not enough, not doing enough, or trying hard enough. If I’m having an ok day, nothing can stand in the way of getting my tasks completed but if I’m not feeling well, I don’t have the mental energy and stability to be on-time. I constantly have to apologize for my actions because I don’t get things done as I should.
I mean well when I make plans or say that I’m going to do something. When I don’t follow through, it makes me feel even worse as I know I can’t really make you know that this isn’t how I am normally. I don’t like to cancel or make excuses as to why we didn’t get up. The time came and I was in a completely different head space.
So if I don’t come around or follow through or have a smile on my face, please give me grace. Everyday isn’t like this but this month I’ve had way too many more sad days than ok days. I’ve seen these four walls more often that I really would have liked to.
Living with depression is tough as it leaves me missing who I know I really am. I’m full of energy, optimistic, loving, caring, and supportive. I still try to be all of those things even on my off days but I still long to be that person 24/7.
I am not my depression.