Nope, I’m not alright.

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“How’s it been going?”

Such a simple question. Also one that I try my best to dodge because the truth is no one really has the time or capacity to take your answer seriously.

Then there are some days where the pressure is too much and if I don’t verbalize my emotions I’m going to explode so I get emotionally vulnerable and answer honestly.

“Girl, I’ve been crying everyday.” “Most days, I don’t want to do anything” “Being a parent is too much.” “Girl, I don’t want to be bothered.” “Chile, I’ve been feeling so sad.” “I have not been able to focus on anything at work. I keep losing my concentration.”

After saying one of the above lines and also revealing that I take (well halfway take) medicine for manic depression (aka bipolar), I’m certain to be met with a statement very close to, “It’s not that deep.” The feeling that I feel after stating my truth to individuals who I thought understood me most was a feeling of unwanted nakedness. Alone, ashamed, misunderstood, betrayed, and well crazy.

Not “crazy” in the way that you’re thinking but crazy in the way like well maybe I am making this up? Maybe it is ok to cry everyday, to not know why you’re feeling down, to be hypersensitive, to be angry, irritable, and never wanting to socialize. To not be able to focus at work and you end up on social media more than you do getting work done. To have a freakin’ ray of sunshine in your house (my son) that most of the time you don’t actually see that way? No longer do I think this is ok.

My journey to figure out what was going on with me started in November 2016 when I began to see a therapist. March 2017, I began taking medication. First for depression, now for bi-polar as I got comfortable with opening up to my therapist more and she could see that I was more than sad (I’m paying someone to listen to me, to help, yet it took over one year to even begin to let her beneath the surface -__-).

The comments that I got when I mentioned the ways that I was trying to help myself were incredulous. So it wasn’t long before I started to take going to therapy not seriously and I begin to miss weeks of medication which is why I cannot say that medication does or doesn’t work as I’ve never taken any of them as instructed. I myself began to believe “it wasn’t that deep” and so here I am.

ONE WHOLE YEAR THIS MONTH OF NOT MISSING A DAY OF CRYING, a day of anger, a day of sadness, a day of having no motivation, a day of fighting to not give up and succumb to watching Netflix and eating Little Debbie’s all day.

I will not go another day of carrying the stigma of mental health in our community. What I’ve been experiencing is certainly not normal and I’m going to take getting help seriously. I’m tired of wondering what it’s like to go a day not in a mood and having to fake like nothing’s wrong when all I want to do is go to the end of the Earth that is not inhabited by other humans and stay there forever. BY MYSELF.

It’s isolating being out here and not knowing anyone else who experiences depression and bipolar (and is getting help) but I will find my tribe.

So this is the beginning of my road to managing my mental health and hoping to reduce the ignorance that surrounds it in our community.

One thought on “Nope, I’m not alright.

  1. I’m glad u shared. Though I can’t say that I understand where you’re coming from, I can still feel your sadness through this post . People ask me all the time why I’m so happy and have so much energy and I give all credit to God . During a different season of my life he showed me daily to find joy in the smallest of smallest things . Everyday I thanked him for something . Breathing, speaking, walking, etc. Sounds trivial, but the more I did it , the more it sank in that if I can wake up everyday and thank God for something, then my day has been made because someone somewhere didn’t get that private time with him. Someone somewhere is laying in a bed , stuck and ridden , wishing they could just get up and do anything, even if it was something awful like sitting at the dmv, or when Harris Teeter is doing triple coupons 🤦 (don’t say I didn’t warn you , it’s a mad house ). Anyways I found that the more I thanked him for everything the more things I found to thank him for . Gradually my joy increase . So even on days where literally everything went wrong I take a moment and say “well, even though such and such happened , I was able to walk and enjoy the sunshine, or I was able to make some one smile at work just by smiling at them, or “Hey God, I got to speak with you today and that was pretty awesome.”

    Idk if that helped any , but I’m glad to know you’re taking getting some help seriously . Stick with it

    Like

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