I didn’t blog last week because I knew this was coming. The time has come where I really become vulnerable. With you and myself. I am putting everything on the table this year so that I can begin to make progress and finally be able to say that #imlivingmybestlife.
Trying to lose weight started when I was 9 or 10. My dad made me go walk around the block by myself for exercise because I was gaining too much weight. It was scary being out there alone and I also was sad because I fwlt like I was a disappointment. It didn’t help that my brother frequently called me a fat pig (I still cry about that ’til this day). Looking back, it wasn’t my fault that I was rather “healthy”. At that time my parents had the most control over what I ate but I wasn’t mature enough to understand tha it wasn’t my fault but theirs. At such a tender age, I begin to look at myself as bad. As not “good enough” because I was seemingly bigger than my classmates.
Recently, in one of my weekly sessions, I was sitting on that beige couch in my therapist’s office writing down the negative thoughts that plays on that tape over and over in my head.I was filling out a worksheet called “replacing negative thoughts” with 3 categories. Notice negative thoughts, reject (what thought is more realistic), and replace (find a positive truth with scripture to apply). We decided to go on a 21 day detox from ONE negative thought. Your brain rewires itself according to your thoughts so I was eager to begin. I wrote a few down:
- It’s my fault that I can’t lose weight.
- I don’t deserve to be with someone who treats me correctly (whatever that means).
- I can’t succeed with losing weight.
- I always mess up.
- I’m so stupid.
When I read these out loud to her, I could not believe what I’ve been thinking. I REALLY AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY. The thoughts that took me out i.e. made me break down were the ones about weight. This was a hard session where I probably used up the whole box of tissue. I wanted to run out of that room instead of sitting there and being present in my truth at that moment because my truth was scary. My truth was depressing. It felt as if my truth was sitting on that couch beside me finally up out of my conscious and alive.
My weight has been a roller coaster. I’ve lost 30+ lbs 3 times throughout my life (high school, college, and last year) yet here I am once again back at the starting weight of my last attempt to lose. I told myself that I am a complete failure. That if I can’t be consistent with conquering this one area of my life then I can forget about being consistent in other areas. My “failure” at weight loss had colored my life.
It has kept me from making the leap into pursuing my wildest dreams. It has kept me bound from trying new things. All my life I have saw myself as “bad” and undeserving because I have never lost weight and kept it off. I’ve been holding back because I believed that I needed to take care of myself first before doing anything. Not thinking about the fact that I’m healthy as a tick. NO HEALTH PROBLEMS granted being close to 300lbs!
Not being able to lose weight for good and always being a bit bigger than my classmates led me to the worst issues I believe there is to have. I DON’T LOVE MYSELF. I AM SELF-CONSCIOUS. I HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM. So there you go. That’s the real truth that I’ve hid so well. It has led me to always look for validation from other people because I didn’t see myself as they did. I hear all the time how I have a great personality and can light up a room. My smile is beautiful and I am too. I’m a great mom and I’m doing this thing very well. That I’m so mature and have some serious visions for my life. I think to myself yeah, so you say. I know that this stuff is true but it just doesn’t seep into my soul so I go back home and ruminate on my flaws, mistakes, and regrets.
Nothing that I do is good enough because I always thought that I wasn’t good enough (this statement is a whole ‘nother post in itself). I always thought that if only I can try harder, if only I can be consistent. If only I wasn’t this size then I would love myself. Ha. Those two things have nothing to do with each other. Small or big, it wouldn’t matter because either way, I still thought the same thing.
But that stops here. It’s time to do something different so that I will produce different results. I am now in the process of rewiring my brain and learning how to embrace Jelissa and her flaws and all. I stand in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful. That I am worthy. I try to compliment myself throughout the day while also giving myself grace when I make mistakes. I tried telling myself that I loved me but that did’t last long because I don’t believe it. I have hope that one day soon I will.
I can’t let myself down. Not only do I have to love myself for me, I have to do it for Mason too. I lift him up and compliment him but yet it’s rare that I do it myself. J. Cole said it best. “Love yourself girl or nobody will.”