I didn’t go to sleep until 2am this morning and slept until 7. We have to leave by 7:30 for me to be to work on time.
I’m late. I’m one whole hour late because I stopped in Walmart and didn’t want to go to work.
I got to work. I tried to focus on work but I really couldn’t concentrate so around and around I went on the same problem that usually would take minutes for me to solve.
We go home after a doctors visit so that I can continue working. I fall asleep at my computer and I awake only to not be able to concentrate.
I finally turn the laptop off at 5pm only to lay on the couch and try my best to disappear. I let Mason watch tv, clutter the living room, and make as much noise as he wants as long as he doesn’t bother me.
I scroll aimlessly on my phone silently wishing that I was anywhere but here. Wishing that I had help. Wishing that I didn’t have to get off the couch to feed Mason. Wishing that he could read his books to his self before bedtime. Wishing that I hadn’t yelled at him out of irritability.
He’s just a kid. Why do I have to yell? I haven’t yelled in a long time. I think I’m going back to that place again. Why can’t I just go home? I hate my job. I hate responsibilities for holding me hostage here. I want to go home. I want my mom. I need help. Why do I have to bear this burden? Why can’t I just be free and happy? I’m going to ruin him. I’m not a good mother because I yell. I shouldn’t let him watch so much tv.
These are just the thoughts that went through my head in a few minutes. Round and around I go just allowing the negativity to engulf me.
This is what a day of depression looks like. This is what a weekend of bipolar looks like. Maybe it’s just what borderline personality disorder looks like. At this point, idek. I’ll be glad when we figure it out. So I can get the help I need and/or medicine that works.
I just haven’t had a day like this in awhile and y’all I’m tired.