Last night I promptly said my last few words (or so I thought) and blocked him. Today at noon, guess who was calling private? HIM! I picked up, bracing myself for the yelling that I knew would happen . He didn’t want any of my input. He wanted me to know that he was hurt. He expressed it through telling me that he hopes that I reap what I sowed. I mean what did he expect after the conversation last night?
Last night, he decided that on our “break”, we only needed to talk once or twice a week. He also decided that we didn’t need to know of each other’s extracurriculars (I’ll tell you more about that later) during this time. I never agreed to the second one. I wanted to be informed as I was too nosey to be excluded if I can be honest.
And this is where I decided to just throw in the towel. In an instant, all of those alarms went off in my head. My heart was racing, I was panicking and trying to gather myself in the same breath, and I felt the dread coming on. Why? Because I still struggle with all-or-nothing thinking, abandonment issues, and never have been prioritized correctly in my close relationships. This is the baggage that I still carry. It’s getting lighter though (yay for progress!).
While all of this was occurring and while I blame these issues for why I decided to end it, another part of me wanted to celebrate. I did a VERY hard thing. I needed to make this cut and I had been prolonging it for at least a month.
So those extracurriculars that I was talking about earlier? That is us trying out an open relationship and also exploring if we are in fact polyamorous. I figured out 5 years ago that I was polyamorous and never wanted to look back at monogamy again. He leaned more towards being monogamish. Do you see the disconnect? We skipped defining the type of relationship we wanted and jumped straight in to a very much monogamous setup.
After a few months, I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I was living a lie. I felt oppressed and that I wasn’t accepted for who I really was. A dominant pansexual woman who was inherently polyamorous.
Single Mom, not Super Woman. 